Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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