We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
