bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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