So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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