my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
