You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
