I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I think my vagina is haunted
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize
