____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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