Acid is not a monday night drug
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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