i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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