Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
