My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
