I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
