Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
