The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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