our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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