i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
