Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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