Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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