I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
