***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
