why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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