If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
