you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
