hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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