My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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