I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
