just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
