I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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