1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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