living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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