I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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