the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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