is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it's like heaven, but drunker
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
