those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
