I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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