I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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