She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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