the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
