I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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