if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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