I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
