i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize