They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
