chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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