Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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