she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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