Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
