You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
