Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
