two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize