Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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