I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
