What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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