oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Everyone says I win the strip club
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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