you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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