He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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